ENFP married to an INTJ-A - Socializing difficulties

 I think it appropriate to explain the scope of our relationship and situation first, before presenting the question.

My wife and I are very close. Though we are almost completely opposite of each other on every level, we found in each other a depth of relationship that far exceeds that of any other relationship I've been in or seen in others. When it's just us 2 it seems the world is close to harmony.

By now I can surely tell that, aside from our relationship, she would be happiest alone. That's where she finds her contentment when away from being us.

I on the other hand, have a stronger want and sometimes need for social interaction both including and excluding her.

When we have an argument I have a tendency to withdraw my emotions or become irritated and sometimes angry. This results often in a delayed emotional response that takes a few hours at least to uncover itself or it turns into resentment if I don't deal with it properly. Mostly depending on her response and how hard she is trying to press the issue. Im not quick or witty with my words which further makes intense conversations with her very difficult. At times i will need to walk away from the conversation because the emotions have escalated too high. In order for me to consider the conversation to be going anywhere or insure I'm not just being defensive myself i need to keep emotions in the conversation below a certain threshold. Words or feelings I have to express often produce a reaction from her that come across as my feelings or thoughts are invalid, stupid, unrefined, immature, or of the like.

While her on the other hand, during an argument, is very blunt, truthful, factual, analytical, in need of EXACT details pertaining to what what said and how, quick to talk and for long periods of time. Almost always 2 hours or more.. Minimum 1 for sure. Her "expression of emotions" is always very intense and at times just dominant. During this time she really drives her opinions, thoughts, and feelings, as the only truth there could be. She is forever 5 steps ahead of me.

The trouble I'm having is the sense that she is trying to control my time with who I spend with and how I spend it, to every detail possible. Every time I've come home after spending time with someone, she is upset, defensive, has a tendency to mock either me or the person I was with, insult or express a type of "they are weak and unworthy of the time spent on them" response. Then we proceed to spend at least an hour figuring out why she feels that way, which often leaves me frustrated or angry. Throughout our entire relationship we have gone through many people that would be friends if she didn't continuously commit social suicide. We get one, MAYBE 2 visits with someone and she picks them apart to every end, deems them unworthy of time, and then we proceed to argue about whether or not to end the relationship until I finally give in since arguments with her are longer than I can tolerate and her ability to push her views are much stronger than mine. So I deem the relationship as such as she views it and cut it off. Other relationships of any kind just simply aren't worth the trouble they bring so they are ended. She doesn't seem to understand the idea of spending time with someone just to freely grow the relationship without a very specific agenda is something I'm looking for. EVERY word spoken and subject discussed must have a deep and meaningful purpose.

I'm tired of having 0 friends and family and I'm also completely exhausted with trying to find one and then paying for it with hours of very unpleasant dialog afterwards.

In her defense. We live in the crappiest state there is in the union, North Dakota. There is nothing to do here within a 6 hour drive. The people here close minded and selfish for the most part, there have been exceptions yet still ended in the same result. Overall, they don't have any ability to deal with her unique personality. Which equals things like people checking in with me to see how I'm doing but not her. They often view her as very strong and not in need of such attention. This doubles down the negative reactions I receive.

So, finally, the questions and beginning of the discussion.

What are your social experiences? Have they been similar? How so and can you relate? As an INTJ what advice would you give for supporting her and yet not continuously committing social suicide?

Thanks for your time and comments. - COLTONGRUNDY1987

Also in a relationship w/ENFP - For us, it was the struggle between the controlling and assumptive nature of myself (INTJ) and the relatively innocent and unassuming (sometimes to a fault) nature of the ENFP. A lot of times it was I or her that simply didn't know or see that perspective. It was important for us to bridge that gap w/communication & trust otherwise we likely wouldn't have lasted.

She's very petit beautiful and friendly, of course she doesn't think so. At the beginning, I (like your wife) had jealousy and insecurity issues that we had to work through to address otherwise I'm sure we would not still be together today. How you solve your issues is what you both need to figure out.

It's an amazing match, but like any relationship it requires compromise and effort from both sides - both sides have to be willing to compromise. Japanese is my SO's primary language and my weak secondary (American Japanese), while her English is very passable these days, you can imagine the compounded struggle of differences in mentality and culture.

Seems like we just want it easy these days with the prevalence of the instant gratification mentality, but any relationship that's going to last requires BOTH sides to work through the problems and realize that with the high highs there will be low lows, but to me that's what makes the long-lasting relationships beautiful.