Struggling whether I am an INTJ or not, for 5 years, please help me

 Hello! I have been learning about enneagram and MBTI for nearly 5 years. Even though I can semi-accurately other people and characters I have an issue typing myself. One week I am thinking that one type suits me, next week another. So please help me type myself, please ask me questions to understand me better!

Well I essentialy have thoughts and struggles about life, like why we live, what is the meaning when death takes it all. Our ambitions, desires, loves; all of them will burst like small bubes in the sea of time. I also have pessimistic thinking regarding my future and world's future in general. Due to many unknown variables which are impossible to predict, I have an anxiety regarding future. This makes me not want to do anything, just lay in bed sometimes (yeah).

In social interaction I can interact with literally all kinds of people %90 of the time. I can be kind and charismatic. Even though I hate them, I can pretend, so my job with them ends faster. I also have machiavellist thinkings, not harming them but vaguely and subtly manipulating them whenever I can. My reactions to other people are also based on this calculation (if I burst in anger, will it harm me in future, so should I keep my anger to myself or later expose it?).

I was never a extreme hardworker, I understand methods quicker compared to others and create myself shortcuts in these methods to make them faster so I do not waste my power and energy. These shortcuts were not absolutely correct nor true way of solving these stuff nor they made sense to other people but they yielded result %99 percent of time for me, so yeah they worked and saved me time and energy so I didn't really care.

I also have a broad knowledge in the many fields of my interest, and I think I would be happier in the past as a polymath, when there were less knowns and more unknowns, so I could apply my interest in many fields. I think over-specialization in modern time is a huge problem due to extensive amount of knowledge, I would never want to do that, yet you have to do it because there are many things to know, and there is not enough time to know them all, so you cannot be a polymath or an expert in many fields nowadays

I want to be in control of my life, my decisions, my enviornment; no stupid people to interfere. I want to be a person that overcame the limits of humanity; able to realise, experience, understand things no one understood. I want to ascend myself. Becoming a creator, not just a consumer. I want to create my happy, cozy, peaceful, lovely environment where I can provide, protect and nurture myself and my loved ones, where we are happy, away from the external influences..

Please ask me questions, so I can explain myself to you better. I am looking forward for your answers! - GroundbreakingMix105

This is where I start to question your narrative and it feels like it starts to become self-serving. Before that it just sounded like general fears of uncertainty bordering on Nihilism. "I can be social when I want to", this is true for everyone - but efficacy and adeptness is not self-evidently judged by one's own perception. There's a lot of self-report on self-perception here, would you mind offering some grounding details about your life? Work position/career, relationships, family, activities outside of work.

I get that you feel different, deeper, smarter than others, and that is the progenitor of your isolation; maybe it is, maybe it's your self-perception, self-esteem, maybe it's other things; I think it's likely some mix of more than one. We are certainly and always more aware of our own state of mind, thoughts, and feelings; then we are that of others - in this regard, in relation to ourselves; we are deeper thinkers.

What I would point out, in my opinion - is that there is a lot of ego, subtle, and not so much; in your post. This complex, however restrained you feel you are about it, is something that I think contributes to your isolations, how could it not? When we look down on others from the glass tower we've built for ourselves (however justified or not), nose raised; it causes us to approach interactions with presuppositions that our views inherently carry more weight than that of others. People will eventually and always feel or sense this to some degree, we are really really good at picking up on sincerity, or insincerity for that matter. Incongruence leaks over time, and the felt inauthenticity causes a greater divide than sincere admissions of vulnerability and imperfection - these things connect people, because we are all very imperfect, illogical, and emotional. But when someone figuratively sneers at that, however subtly, and perceptually hides behind intellectualizations.. well, it comes off a certain way, and not everyone will tell you this directly or crassly; or be able to articulate it. Or maybe they just don't want to deal with it.

Purpose and motivation is something we all deal with, it feels like the most sincere profession in your post. Though I think to properly address it and acknowledge the issues that precede potential meaningful solutions, you have to strip yourself of the self-serving narratives, the rationalizations, justifications, abstractions; because even humoring that all being true, these things may not matter so much when we start to talk about our profound desires such as purpose as meaning. So ground us, ground yourself, in some concrete, honest details that surround your life situation and trajectory - as they are.

What kind of doctor are you, at 24, how big is your practice? Do you work in a hospital or have your own practice? Your preamble makes it sound like you winged your way into being a doctor and studying in an "extreme" field: what field?

What country do your preside, if you don't mind answering? Do you catch the bus to get around?

One of the things I noticed is your consistent view of how people are stupid, boring, and... stupid. How do you reconcile this with your chosen line of work where you profess to like helping people and give them hope - is it only kind people? Do you bite your tongue in the face of perceived stupidity? What percentage of your patients would you say is stupid?